Communicating needs is a part of a healthy relationship.
After all, when partners get what they need to feel safe, loved, respected, and understood, their relationship thrives.
But for this to happen, needs have to be communicated. People aren’t mindreaders (as much as we might wish they were sometimes).
Too often obstacles get in the way of this process. Past hurts, big emotions, and fear of conflict for example. Power imbalances can exacerbate situations. Assumptions can also play a role, with one partner thinking the other has the same needs they do.
Fortunately there are steps you can take to make it easier to communicate your needs.
As professional therapists providing couples counselling in Surrey, we're here to help. Below are some communication tips for couples to try. Keep in mind, however, if it still feels too much, or if you’ve tried and the problem feels insurmountable, relationship counsellors can help.
Relationship counsellor tips for communicating needs
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Identify your needs
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Schedule the conversation
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Use “I”statements
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Do it before becomes an issue
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Listen
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Take a break
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Talk to a professional counsellor
Identify your needs
We are all individuals with different desires, needs, interests and ways of being. Some people need more alone-time. Others need more engagement. Some want more physical closeness. Others need to maintain a separate interest/hobby outside of the relationship. If you’ve been suppressing your needs for a long time, it might be quite difficult to identify what they actually are. Learning to identify your needs requires introspection and reaffirming what’s most important to you as a partner in a relationship.
Schedule a talk
Choose a time to discuss relationship needs. When both you and your partner are at ease and rested. This gives each person the opportunity to approach the conversation at their best, with energy for expressing and listening.
“I” statements
Use “I” statements. In other words, begin your sentences with “I”. I need, or I want. It helps to avoid building up defensive or resentful feelings in your partner that can occur with “you” statements.
Talk before issues become big
If it can be avoided, have these conversations before issues become big. Problems are easier to fix the earlier they’re addressed.
Listen
Be prepared to listen to your partner’s responses to your needs. Some they’ll be happy to oblige. Others may conflict with their own needs and you’ll have to work out a compromise to ensure both of you are happy. Encourage clarifying questions that can clear up misunderstandings.
Take a break
If tensions rise, or you feel you’re not expressing yourself well, or if they’re not really hearing or understanding what you’re saying, take a break. Some people do their best thinking when given additional space and time to process what’s been said.
Talk to a professional
If you feel you’re not making any headway, talk to a professional. Couples counselling in Surrey has helped many people navigate the difficult aspects of their relationship dynamic through to a fulfilling outcome.
Alison Bell & Associates help couples explore greater satisfaction, happiness and fulfillment in their relationship and within themselves. Call 604-372-1545 to talk with someone today.
